Anxiety is a universal experience, showing up in countless ways—whether it’s a racing heart before a big presentation, a sense of dread at an uncertain future, or a full-blown panic attack. While anxiety can feel overwhelming, it’s important to remember that it’s not your enemy. It’s a part of you that’s trying to help in its own way, often by protecting you from something it perceives as a threat.
By understanding anxiety as part of your internal emotional system, you can learn to work with it instead of fighting against it. This process involves listening to what anxiety has to say, gently challenging its fears, and helping it let go of outdated beliefs that may no longer serve you. Along the way, you’ll discover tools to calm anxiety in the moment and build a more peaceful relationship with your inner world.
Your Inner Parts: Understanding the Emotional System
I sometimes ask clients if they can imagine in their minds eye a room inside themselves where are gathered all the various aspects of themselves that go to make up their whole self. Think of them a bit like the emotions in the control room, in Pixar’s movie Inside Out and its sequel. These parts aren’t literal characters but more like different facets of our personality, each with its own voice, perspective, and function.
For example, we might have a part that loves to plan for the future, another that avoids conflict, one that instinctively jokes around and one that criticises us and tells us that we need to do better all the time. These parts can have their roots in aspects of our past, how we were brought up, or in our innate character.
Imagine them all jostling for your attention in that room - some are louder, some quiet. Some don't get much attention at all, whilst others seem to demand it all the time.
Anxiety often arises from a protective part that’s trying to keep us safe. However, this part can sometimes become so hyper-sensitive and vigilant that it perceives danger even where little or none exists, wildly overstating or imagining a threat and leaving us stuck in a loop of worry, fear, or overwhelm. When that happens it can become loud indeed, deafening everyone else in that room.
To use a different metaphor, it can be like a faulty smoke alarm that keeps going off even when there’s no fire.
Listening to Anxiety
The first step in working with anxiety might seem counter-intuitive - to listen to it. This means recognising it as one part of your inner system, rather than letting it define your whole experience. When anxiety feels overwhelming, try pausing and asking yourself, “What is this anxious part trying to protect me from?” and “What does it want me to know or understand?”
By giving anxiety space to speak, you can often uncover the deeper fear or concern driving it. Sometimes, just acknowledging its message can help it begin to relax.
Gently Challenging Anxiety’s Fears
Trying to ignore anxiety can make it worse. Almost as if it's been trapped behind a locked door it can keep hammering on that door until someone listens. Once it feels heard, it becomes easier to gently challenge its perspective.
This step is about helping the anxious part see that other parts of you are capable of handling the situation—or that the danger it perceives may no longer exist.
For example: If anxiety is worried you’ll fail at a new task, you can let it know that another part of you feels confident and has prepared well. If anxiety is reacting to something that reminds you of a difficult experience from childhood, you might try and mentally reassure it: “That happened a long time ago, and I’m safe now. I’m an adult who can handle this.”
This dialogue doesn’t dismiss anxiety—it reassures it. You’re letting it know that while its concerns are valid, your inner system as a whole does have the resources to cope. Over time, this practice can help anxiety feel less urgent and all-consuming.
When Anxiety Is Linked to the Past
Sometimes, anxiety is rooted in past experiences that shaped how we perceive the world. A child who grew up in an unpredictable environment might develop an anxious part that’s constantly scanning for danger, even when none is present. If childhood contained something very frightening then the residue of that can show up in powerful anxiety later in life; it can arise even in response to situations that might have nothing to do with the facts of what happened to you when you were a child.
In these cases, it can help to acknowledge the past while gently reminding yourself that it doesn’t dictate the present. You might say to your anxious part “I know you’re trying to protect me because of what happened back then, but things are different now. I have more tools and support to handle this.”
This kind of compassionate self-talk can help your anxious part release outdated fears and trust in your present-day self. If the anxiety is severe and the past includes trauma or abuse, consider sitting with a trained therapist and let them help you find your way to this, step by step.
Three In-the-Moment Exercises to Calm Anxiety
While long-term healing involves building a relationship with your anxious parts, there are also techniques you can use to calm anxiety in the moment. These strategies can help you regain a sense of control when anxiety feels overwhelming.
1. Grounding with Your Senses (The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique)
When anxiety pulls you into spiralling thoughts, grounding yourself in the present can help. Use this simple exercise to reconnect with your surroundings.
Take a moment and pause. Sit down if you can (though you don't have to), then go through this process.
5 things you can see: Look around and name five objects in your environment. Spend a few moments just gazing at them.
4 things you can touch: Notice the texture of your clothes, the chair you’re sitting on, or the ground beneath your feet. Or anything else you can touch.
3 things you can hear: Tune in to ambient sounds, like birds outside or the hum of a refrigerator.
2 things you can smell: Identify scents in your environment, or recall a favourite smell.
1 thing you can taste: Focus on a sip of water or simply the taste in your mouth.
This technique helps shift your focus from anxious thoughts to the present moment.
2. Box Breathing
Anxiety often triggers shallow, rapid breathing, which can make you feel more panicked. Box breathing is a simple way to regulate your breath. It’s called Box breathing as some like to imagine the four stages as if they are creating the four sides of a box.
Inhale for 4 counts.
Hold your breath for 4 counts.
Exhale for 4 counts.
Hold your breath again for 4 counts.
Repeat this for a few minutes, and notice how it calms your body and mind.
3. Labelling Your Emotions
When anxiety feels chaotic, naming what you’re feeling can help bring clarity. Psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “name it to tame it.” Say to yourself:
“I feel anxious because…”
“I also feel [name other emotions, like excitement, frustration, or sadness].”
This process activates the other parts of your brain, making the emotional storm feel more manageable.
Building a New Relationship with Anxiety
Plenty of people deal with anxiety in their lives, but it doesn’t have to be a lifelong battle. By listening to it, understanding its roots, and gently challenging its fears, you can build a more harmonious relationship with this part of yourself. Over time, anxiety can begin to trust that you’re capable of handling life’s challenges without constant vigilance.
The next time anxiety arises, try approaching it with curiosity instead of judgment. Remember, it’s just one part of you—not the whole picture. And with practice, you can learn to respond to it with compassion, reassurance, and confidence.
If anxiety feels like too much to handle on your own, consider reaching out to a counsellor or therapist. They can help you explore the deeper layers of your inner world and find new ways to work with anxiety.
You’re not alone in this journey, and with patience and care, you can move toward a life where anxiety no longer feels like the loudest voice in that room.
******* Jo Shaw is a BACP Registered Psychotherapist practising in London, Tunbridge Wells in Kent and online. She can be reached at jo@jjstherapy.com